Blah

The title of this journal entry is how I tend to feel a lot- blah. Sometimes I can't tell if I am just being lazy or if it's my Depression speaking. I need to get some medicine- a kind that will work. Unfortunately I don't have an appointment until August 3rd. That's the earliest the NP at my therapist's office can see me. I guess if I've gone this long, what's a few more weeks? At least it will start to take effect right around the time u go back to work. The anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and disinterest are coming to a head. I have tried things, but I feel that medication is now required. This battle has been raging for twenty years now and I have been on the losing side. I just want to be at peace and be happy. I have so much to be thankful,for in my life, but a chemical imbalance and a mood disorder tend to overshadow my life. I am sick of fighting myself constantly. My anxiety is at an all time high right now. I feel. Like someone is constantly pulling on my hair and it makes my head feel incredibly tight- all the time. Thank God I sleep with a night guard in. Otherwise I'd have horrible jaw soreness too. My therapist says a lot of issues are stemming from my anxiety. It makes sense. I've started watching true crime documentaries again. It's something I used to do frequently, but then I stopped. My therapist says I have an obsession with crime and breaking news because it helps me to not feel so bad about my situation. today I watched one on Darlie Routier- a woman who was given a life sentence for murdering her two young children. I have to stop this now while it has just started. It can't even good for me. I need to be engaged in the positive, not the negative. Unfortunately I am drawn toward negative events. That probably explains my pessimism. I want to be more optimistic, I just am not sure how to be. It's something I know I need to work on. In closing tonight- I feel that until I get on medication, I am going to have a lot of road blocks. I'm almost there.