This is it

I have decided I will not be going back to my school next year. I absolutely cannot my mental I can't. My mental and physical health are suffering tremendously. I had a really good session with my therapist yesterday. It was the first time in the 6 months I have been seeing her that I cried. She is convinced that I have PTSD as a result of the incident. Until recently, I wasn't sure I believed that. I am now convinced. I meet with my Cardiologist in 9 days to go over everything- all of the heart testing and sleep study results. I am incredibly anxious to know what's going on. My therapist said it well when she said I'm in a "holding pattern" until a diagnosis is made. Until then I am working on focusing on things I can control. I just need to leave the toxic environment I have been in for almost 7 years. It has done so much damage. :/

Regret

It's something I always say I don't want to have, but I feel like I have a lot of it. It occurs mostly at the end of a day when I wonder why I felt or acted the way I did. I say to myself that I need to do better the next day, but I often fail. It's A shame that I didn't enjoy today more than I did. It was Ellie's "family party". I spent so much of my mental and physical energy anticipating the negative. I hate that I do that, but it's what I do. Part of it is that I'm not a good hostess. I just know Ellie only turns 5 once.

The Wall

I am so effing frustrated with the lack of communication in my marriage. Tonight I needed to talk through some frustrations with Dana. I tried, but I felt unsuccessful. My anxiety is at an all time high right now. It takes seemingly trivial things to set it off. I told him about my frustration and that I felt like there is a wall between us. I know he is thinking, but about what- of course I don't know. We are having a birthday party For Ellie with my family and Dana's tomorrow night. On Sunday, Sean will be Baptized and after that, we will have lunch at our house. I get so worked up in anticipation to these types of events. That's where I am right now. I know I need to come down, but I am feeling unable to right now.

Fuse

I feel like lately my fuse has been so short with my almost 5 year old. she has a lot of energy, creativity and...sass. I was just like her when I was that age. I need to take a new approach with her, starting tomorrow.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Today was a wonderful day. Ellie, Sean and I spent the day at the mall with my good friend Jamie and her kids. When we got home we had dinner, then went to the gym as a family. I felt relaxed and content today.

Blah

The title of this journal entry is how I tend to feel a lot- blah. Sometimes I can't tell if I am just being lazy or if it's my Depression speaking. I need to get some medicine- a kind that will work. Unfortunately I don't have an appointment until August 3rd. That's the earliest the NP at my therapist's office can see me. I guess if I've gone this long, what's a few more weeks? At least it will start to take effect right around the time u go back to work. The anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and disinterest are coming to a head. I have tried things, but I feel that medication is now required. This battle has been raging for twenty years now and I have been on the losing side. I just want to be at peace and be happy. I have so much to be thankful,for in my life, but a chemical imbalance and a mood disorder tend to overshadow my life. I am sick of fighting myself constantly. My anxiety is at an all time high right now. I feel. Like someone is constantly pulling on my hair and it makes my head feel incredibly tight- all the time. Thank God I sleep with a night guard in. Otherwise I'd have horrible jaw soreness too. My therapist says a lot of issues are stemming from my anxiety. It makes sense. I've started watching true crime documentaries again. It's something I used to do frequently, but then I stopped. My therapist says I have an obsession with crime and breaking news because it helps me to not feel so bad about my situation. today I watched one on Darlie Routier- a woman who was given a life sentence for murdering her two young children. I have to stop this now while it has just started. It can't even good for me. I need to be engaged in the positive, not the negative. Unfortunately I am drawn toward negative events. That probably explains my pessimism. I want to be more optimistic, I just am not sure how to be. It's something I know I need to work on. In closing tonight- I feel that until I get on medication, I am going to have a lot of road blocks. I'm almost there.